Post 4: Worst Games Ever.

Alright, so the last few pages have mostly been me salivating over how awesomely awesome some awesome games are. I’ve decided to do a complete 180 and talk about the five worst games ever created.

#5

The Legend of Zelda: The Wand of Gamelon, on the CD-I

What’s this? You ask. A Zelda game on your list? MADNESS!

No. This game was incredibly ugly, the voice acting made 4Kid’s One Piece dub sound like Cowboy Bebop (Anime geek humour…) and the controls were horrible.

Here’s an example of what the art in the game looked like:

That was from a CUTSCENE. Cutscenes are supposed to look nice. These don’t.

Now here’s a compilation of most of the cutscenes from the game:

“You killed me!”

“Good.”

Magnificent voice acting, indeed.

#4

Captain Novolinm, on the Super Nintendo

This was a game about a superhero with diabetes. Dwell on that for a minute. This was a superhero who you could potentially kill by switching his diet coke with a regular one. Anyway, here’s a synopsis of the game, straight from Wikipedia.

Captain Novolin is the only one who can stop the alien Blubberman and rescue the mayor of Pineville. He rides a speedboat and needs to avoid the alien invaders who have turned themselves into junk food while eating healthy meals to keep his blood glucose within a safe zone. Players earn bonus points by correctly answering multiple choice questions about diabetes (the correct answers of which are given at the beginning of levels).

I’m…not really clear on what the aliens were trying to do here. In turning themselves into junk food, were they hoping that they could somehow get Captain Novolin to eat them? All the guy would have to do is close his mouth and he’d be fine. Not to mention that to actually kill the guy they’d have to be eaten first. It’s like shooting yourself in the head so that the bullet will pass through your brain and hit someone.

Hold on, what was that last part?

Players earn bonus points by correctly answering multiple choice questions about diabetes

What?

correctly answering multiple choice questions about diabetes

So your reward for doing well in the game is to have to answer questions about diabetes?

Anyway, the controls sucked as well. Have the time when you jumped it wouldn’t even register, so you ended up getting killed by like a donut. People would be giggling at your funeral.

#3

Custer’s Revenge on the Atari 2600

Alright, as this is supposed to be a G-rated blog and everything, it’s going to be really hard to review this game. Note that there will be neither pictures nor videos. If you want to know why, search the game up on Wikipedia. In Custer’s Revenge, you play as a pixelated pink man with a cowboy hat on. Presumably that’s Custer. The object of the game is to dodge the arrows raining from the sky and walk over to a pixelated brown woman tied to a cactus and do things to her. Don’t ask what these things are. Search it on YouTube. The reason this game is so bad is because that’s it. And apparently you’re supposed to be like “enjoying” watching your pixelated pink man do things to that pixelated brown lady. You know what? This is too hard to explain. The game sucks, let’s leave it at that. Google it or something.

#2. Superman 64 on the Nintendo 64

Where could they go wrong, right? You’re Superman! Punch dudes in the face, shoot lasers and breathe ice!

Sadly, the only superpower they gave the guy in this game is the awesome ability to fly through rings while at the same time controlling like a Sherman tank. First of all, most of the game requires you to fight through a group of enemies. However, the horrible detection control means that you have to hit an enemy about ten times for a single hit to register. Of course, for some reason, your hitboxes seem to have been placed very well as you can get killed easily. Another sort of mission you get a lot is having to fly through rings within a set time limit. However, because of the game’s aforementioned ridiculously sloppy and unresponsive controls, what should be very simple suddenly becomes the equivalent of defeating ten Dullahan’s at once in Golden Sun while trying to take down Akuma with Cammy at the same time. Finally, the game’s graphics are so AWFUL. I mean okay. The N64 wasn’t heralded for its amazing graphics, and the graphics standard wasn’t so high back then. But look at this!

OMG CUTTING EDGE GRAPHICS

Way to go, Nintendo.

#1 Worst Game Ever Created: E.T. The Extra-Terrestrial, on the Atari 2600.

Finally down to #1. This is quite a famous game, simply because it’s just so very, very bad. You played as ET. That’s the green thing in the bottom picture.

The objective of the game was to walk until you fell into those dark green diamond things. Those were pits. Inside those pits you would either find a telephone piece for ET to call home, or nothing. Most of the time you found nothing. Once you had your telephone piece (or didn’t, more likely) you had to sloowwwwly hover up to the top of the pit. Once you were up there you had to go into another pit and keep searching for telephone pieces. Once you got them all, you won the game. That’s it. That’s the entire game. Not to mention the graphics were absolutely ugly, and it’s very strange how they managed to turn such a classic movie into such a piece of junk. I suppose they were counting on the movie’s popularity to actually help this thing sell.

Fun fact: They made five million cartridges of this game, most of which got sold. Most of those then got sent back. Atari then got stuck with a problem. The game was SO BAD that they couldn’t even give them away. They ended up driving all five million cartridges to a New Mexico landfill, dumping them, crushing them and covering them with concrete. They’re still there, to this day.

So, why do you think the developers made games that were so bad? Was it because they were trying to focus on selling whatever movie it was advertising, or laziness? What do you think they could have done to avert this?

Also, isn’t he just adorable?

=3